Judge Me By My Actions, Not My Words

As a highly idealistic young feminist, who has a propensity to jump into passionate argument in defence of my ideals, I have often found myself shaken by the idealistic disputes I have with my significant other. Over and over again, if find myself baffled by the number of times I have heard my partner, and other seemly pro-feminist men (my label, not theirs), argue in support of implicitly sexist views. My partner and I, as well all of my friends in long-term heterosexual relationships, have some of the most gender equitable relationships you could find. Why is it, then, that I hear the men in my life continue to speak in support of gender norms that privilege men over women?

Recently I found myself in a particularly heated argument on intra-family caring roles, and what constitutes ‘productive work’. I have to admit that this felt like a make-or-break issue when I demanded to know how I could possibly be in a relationship with someone who’s belief flies in the face of everything that I stand for. It was at this point that my partner pointed out that I was judging him by what he said, and not by what he did, and that this was completely unfair.

My partner asked me to judge him by his actions, not his words. For me, this was a bit of a revelation. I had always recognised the equality in our relationship. We share equally in the housework, and my partner is incredibly supportive of my career. Yet I seemed to forget this when we had ideological differences, and it never failed to upset me when he argued in support of maintaining the status quo, denying that there was a problem of inequity in Australian gender relations. By asking me to judge him by his actions, my partner asked me acknowledge the active manifestations of his gender identity, rather than the spoken/intellectual ones. In doing so, I realised that I was being unfair by judging him by his words. He shows his support to gender equity through his actions in our relationship, and I need to give him credit for this. But this leads me to my question: Why is it that Australian (heterosexual) men, who’s relationships with women do not adhere to gender inequitable norms, feel the need to argue in defence of inequitable, and sometimes overtly sexist, traditions, norms and practices? Why is it that their words do not reflect their actions?

Victor J Seidler, in his book Young Men and Masculinities, has offered me some insight into this. Seidler points out that studies of masculinity tend to assume that all men possess the dominant masculine identity that adheres to the patriarchal norm. He raises the important argument that this ignores the multiplicity of masculine identities, and overlooks the internal struggles that accompany these. Some men have gender identities that uphold ideals of equality, yet they struggle with the conflict between their own gender identity and that of the dominant norm. To me, this may help to understand why our pro-feminist partners and friends say things that are in stark contradiction with the way they live their own lives.

How then, as feminists, can we help our partners and friends come to terms with this struggle? How can we assist them to one day feel comfortable enough to self-identify as ‘pro-feminist’? Make no mistake, I don’t wish to absolve men of their own responsibility to break down the social norms that privilege men over women. But I feel that, as feminists, we can do more to engage male partners and friends in the struggle for gender justice. It’s clear that for many Australian men who engage in gender equitable relationships, who should be able to openly celebrate their actions, there is still a struggle for them to match their words with their actions. So how can we assist our men to overcome this struggle? I certainly don’t have the answer to this, but I believe that it is something that needs to be considered and debated by Australian feminists.

Is it really our choice? Questioning the household division of labour and our choices in the workplace

Every time a report which shows that there is a gender pay gap is released, there are plenty of people who jump to discredit it. Critics are quick to assert that there is no discrimination against women in the work place, and that there are other reasons for the gender pay gap. The most common argument we hear is that of “women’s choice”. Women choose to prioritise their families, and take years off from work. Women choose to place their family commitments above those of work, and do not work the long hours required to move up and earn more in their industry.

This may well be the case. In most cases, women do make these choices. And I am in complete support of this, after all, feminism is about women having choices. Women can choose to work, or women can choose to spend time raising their children. But there are a number of questions we rarely hear raised. Why is it that men aren’t making these choices as well? Why does motherhood disadvantage a woman’s career, but fatherhood does not do the same to a man’s? Why do women put their family commitments before their work, and therefore choose the part-time hours, but men choose long hours instead? After all, they are called family commitments, not motherhood commitments. Why isn’t fatherhood seen as a family commitment which requires sacrifices at work? Why doesn’t anyone ever question this?

The problem here is the gendered nature of our household roles. While the number fathers opting to take on more family commitments at the expense of their careers is increasing, it is still more common for women to stay home, and take on flexible or part-time work so as to be able to meet their family commitments. And as we hear in response to every report on the gender pay gap, less time at work means less experience and therefore less pay. This is natural and justifiable. And I agree. Someone with less experience, who has spent less time in the workforce and has less offer the company should get paid less. I am all for equal pay for equal work. That is what feminists are asking for. However, what I do not agree with, and would like to see change, is the expectation that is it always the mother who takes time off and chooses family commitments over long hours at work.

Motherhood, and raising a family is a vital social role. So is fatherhood. When my partner and I choose to have our children, I want to stay home to be with them in their early years. This is more important to me than the short-term gains I can make in my career. But it is also important for my partner to be there too. Pregnancy and breastfeeding determine that the mother is the obvious choice to take time out from work. But beyond 6-9 months after the birth, there is no reason why the mother can’t return to work, whilst the father takes his place as primary carer in the home. There is no biological reason (beyond early infancy of the child) keeping mothers in the home over fathers. But there is a social one. What we need is to change our perceptions of motherhood and fatherhood.

When Australian society values the contribution a father can make as a primary carer, we can make a real difference to the gender gap in pay. In my workplace I have known a number of men who work part-time, so they can spend half the working week as primary carers. Their wives do the same. In doing so, both partners take an equal share in the sacrifice to their careers. What we need is for this to become the norm. When our society accepts that it is equally important for fathers to care for their children as mothers, gender will not be as significant a factor in pay and career advancement.

So, next time you hear someone claim that a woman chose to disadvantage her pay prospects to take time off work and have children, you should ask: “Why didn’t her husband make that choice too?”

Musings on Feminism

Since my own gradual feminist awakening, the biggest thing that strikes me about feminism in Australia is the degree to which feminism is misunderstood. It is only within the recent year or so that I have called myself a feminist. This, despite the fact that I have held views which would be attributed to feminism for a very long time, if not all my life. And since I have essentially ‘come-out’ as a feminist, I am amazed at some of the warped ideas that Australians hold about what feminism really is. I am certainly not suggesting that these ideas are unique to Australia, but I write from my Australian experience.

Growing up, I, like most Australians, associated feminism with the bra burning of the 1960s, and with radical feminist ideologies that suggest that women can or should discard men altogether. As a student I was consistently at the top of my class, and my female peers and I consistently outperformed our male counterparts. In our narrow world view as students, we equate the classroom with society as a whole, and grow up believing that gender-based discrimination is a thing of the past, or that perhaps even, men and boys have become disadvantaged by the system. In short, growing up, it is difficult to understand how feminism is relevant or needed. Moreover, in most of Australian society, the word feminism has been wholly equated with it’s most extreme manifestation that dismisses a role for men in social evolution. Feminism is seen in a negative light, and the term itself has become somewhat of a dirty word.

A couple of years before I proudly proclaimed myself a feminist, I was volunteering on campaigns that highlight the problem of violence against women. At this stage, I began to realise that these were feminist goals that I was working on. I realised this, but I could not bring myself to use the ‘f’ word to describe my work, or my ideals. Why was this? My reluctance came from the negative perception that feminism has in mainstream Australia. I felt that associating myself with the ‘f’ word, would only serve to invite resistance and alienate us from the mainstream populace with whom we were trying to engage as allies. Using the ‘feminist’ label would only be counter productive.

So what is feminism, and how did it end up with such a negative perception in Australian society? Feminism is about eliminating the social structures and perceptions that disadvantage a person because of their gender, and achieving a genuine equality between the sexes. It is as much about obtaining social acceptance for paternal leave or eliminating the negative social barriers to men pursuing a career as ballet dancers, as it is about achieving pay equity and eliminating sexual harassment. Not matter what public perception of feminism, it is not about privileging women over men. But as long as people are afraid or reluctant to use the ‘f’ word, feminism will continue to be equated with this. Feminism in it’s most extreme form has done the cause a great disservice, but the anti-feminist elements of society have been extremely effective at exploiting this in their favour. Unless we shake off our fear of the ‘f’ word, feminism will continue to viewed as irrelevant or detrimental to society.

Some food for thought from One Angry Girl:

I am not a feminist, but I appreciate the right to help choose my government representatives.

I am not a feminist, but I enjoy the option of wearing pants or shorts if I want.

I am not a feminist, but it can be very convenient to control how many babies I have.

I am not a feminist, but its awfuly useful to be able to open a bank account and own property in my own name.

I am not a feminist, but I like knowing that my husband cannot legally beat me.

I am not a feminist, but its really swell to keep the money I earn.

(http://www.oneangrygirl.net/)

I am a feminist. I appreciate my right to vote, to earn money, and to hold property. I appreciate the right to be paid the same as my male counterparts, and I call on employers and the government to do more to ensure that this is realised. I appreciate the ability to choose when I have children, and how many, and I call upon the government to continue allow me to choose whether I give birth in a hospital, a birthing clinic, or with trained care in my own home. I appreciate my right to maternity leave, and I ask for acceptance of this right for fathers as well as mothers. I appreciate my right to body integrity, and I call upon our whole society to eliminate the social norms and practices that continue to see occurrence of sexual abuse, and domestic violence. I am a feminist, and if you agree with any of these statements, so are you.